I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
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Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?