me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
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My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Day 2 of my diet
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it