[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
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I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Greeting humans vs their dogs