Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
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When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Jesus Christ lmao
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad