My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
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[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.