[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
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doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed