Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
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“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
😆this is so true
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Sign at work today