If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
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ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.