If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
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Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.