tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
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Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?