I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
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“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.