Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
You Might Also Like
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news