COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
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Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.