cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
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“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit