if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
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[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?