computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
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Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time