*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
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Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
My diet starts in January
of 2027