Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
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[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”