SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
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me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage