My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
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Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
A roof is a house hat.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
superman landing like a plane on his belly
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.