[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
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My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
No point crayon over spilled milk.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.