I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
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My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.