ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
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There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
War & Peace
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.