Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
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9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
hi why am I like this
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.