According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
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I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.