starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
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Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit