*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
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[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Breaking news:
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now