Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
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Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Ha
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
mood
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me