Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
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TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Weighing up my bread heating options
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary