Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
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[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Seas the day!!!!
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.