One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
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My god she’s good.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Oceanography is all about current events
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Autocorrect is my menesis