When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
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[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”