Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
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[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?