*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
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worchester
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope