If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
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Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked