Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
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one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.