Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
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A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
ok like just. call me at this point
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?