Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
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My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
*launders Kohls cash*
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.