🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
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The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.