Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
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My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Good morning
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.