Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
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Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
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called in thicc to work this morning