Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
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My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.