normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
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I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?