I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
You Might Also Like
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
The Book. The Movie.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.