The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
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me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
The game has officially changed 😎
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?