Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
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me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”