And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
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My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”