My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
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My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.