Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
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stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
#Caturday
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*