*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
You Might Also Like
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.